My Fears

 

I have just been diagnosed with BDD and I didn't realise there was such a disorder, my mum had past away seven years ago due to Cancer at a young age and from there my life slowly went tumbling down. After 18 months of going out and partying and taking drugs to try and take away the pain, I decided that being in this world was just to much so I started to self harm. I gave up work and it all became too much, I decided that I actually needed help and took other people's advice to go and get some help which I did. The doctor had prescribed me antidepressants which I decided not to take I suppose I was so fed up of taking drugs to help me I wanted to see if I could do it on my own but just want a little help some-one to talk to as I did not talk to friends or family, I was a closed book as they would say.

I got myself a good little job as I had always worked since leaving college went on to having a son at the age of 23 and was happy. I had split up from my sons dad but that was ok I wasn't at all worried, I had work and a place to live and most of all I had a beautiful son. I was sad of course but I was sad because I always wanted a family life after mum had gone the family grew apart and it was just me until Jamie came along, although I was in a relationship for 4 years I wasn't really happy and content it was more comfort Don't get me wrong I have a lot of friends but its different to the closeness you feel in a relationship?

 

It was always some else's dream never mine I didn't think I would or could be happy in a relationship find some-one that was your partner but as well as being your partner being your friend. But I did this year and have been together 10months and I have never been so happy I have found my best friend my soul mate and some one that I truly love, that comes from the heart and I never thought I'd ever be this happy. Something inside me about 5 months ago wasn't right and I couldn't work it out, I was so happy in love and work was great, new home and I was getting engaged!!

 

That's when I started staring into the mirror a lot more and noticing things lines and dark circles and when I asked people they would tell me 'there's nothing there' but I didn't understand why I couldn't see this. I was continually checking the mirror and getting upset, I knew that I wasn't seeing things, I knew they were there. I am ok in the flat or going out in the dark but sunshine is my weakness I'm beginning to hate the day time. I started to go to Skin clinics and I had treatment 'Botox' it was great for a week but then I started to concentrate on another area on my face. I begun to get really paranoid and it was taking me hours to get ready I was constantly at the Skin clinic asking about all different treatments, until one day they said they were not going to give me treatment any more and said that I may have a disorder to go to the doctors. I was so upset it was and is still upsetting my life including work, my relationship and my social life. I made an appointment to see a face surgeon and when I went I broke down and said that I wanted some sort of lift, something to help my face because to me there is something that is not right when I look in the mirror. I feel old, I feel that I have so many lines, but they told me they would not help, I was a stunning 27 year old girl that yes ok I have a few lines but they called them expression lines and without them I would not be me.

 

I left there feeling sick and didn't know what way to turn as I had been to 8 different clinics and I was getting the same answer, but WHY can I not see what they are seeing !!!!!! My doctor referred me to see a therapist. I have been seeing her for a few weeks but I am getting worst and I know it. I went shopping just the other day and I thought I was going to die I went into a busy high street and was fine at first and then I started to feel very uncomfortable and shaking, feeling very sick. Every-one was looking at me and I wondered why, what was wrong with me? I left there and went to meet my partner for Sunday lunch in the pub, told him what had happened and he gave me a cuddle and I felt safe but still feeling much shaken by the experience. We got into the pub and after 10 minutes of being there I started to shake and feel I was going to pass out. Did not feel normal so I got up and ran out, I did not know what to do with myself so I went home and sat and cried and cried I started to feel hate I didn't know where these feeling's were coming from. I went to the doctors the next day and she has put me on tablets and I have decided to take them, I want to get better and I don't want my world to fall apart that I love so much, I only wish I could love me for me and see what every-one else is seeing. I've gone from a very confident person and being so strong to a person that is so weak and tired, I'm scared and hoping that maybe one day this will go, but, I have so little faith. x