I have had BDD for many years, in fact about 8 years and have received little or no help for it. My partner doesn't understand the illness and never will. He has had to listen to me 'complaining' for about 5 years through our journey of having 2 children (which is hard to deal with without having BDD as well).
I didn't know I had something that was given a name until I saw a story about a girl my age (25) who had the disorder as well. It was then I realized I had Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It's in the mind, Im aware of that, to a certain extent. In my mind I know I am thinking unreasonable but another part of my mind believes I have a 'flaw' as well. The negative thought being the stronger of the two. I've had this condition for so long now, it feels almost 'normal'. I don't feel normal with it, the rituals of checking my skin in every light and also looking at my hair and thinking about it everyday. I can't sleep, even with sleeping pills. How I manage with 2 children is beyond me, but my eldest is nearly 4 and they are very happy children. That's what keeps me going; I have to look after them too.
It started when I took on my GCSE's at school. I developed acne. I had this until I was about 23 and it ruled my life. Now, although I have a few scars that I've been told are not visible to the naked eye (I analyze it through a mirror and lamp which I light up on my face everyday) I am convinced I have ugly skin, even though I have seen people with TERRIBLE skin, I am convinced my skin is not normal and my hair has to be perfectly straight before I can face anyone. I hate being like this. I know people who get out of bed and walk out the door; how they do this I do not know. I am going to seek help about my BDD tomorrow, after breaking down about the way I feel. I hate doing the rituals and thinking about my flaws so much, I have to help myself. Im starting to realize that life is short, just enjoy life, you can't change the way you look so what is the point? I know I'm right but it will take a long time to stop the way I think constantly.
I've never seen anyone that I would really consider as 'ugly'. I truly believe that everyone is beautiful, scars or no scars. I just wish my mind would let me rest and be happy, free and content, to the extent where I am no longer holding myself back, unwilling to grasp life as much as I can. I want to wake up in the morning and feel at piece with myself. I want to smile at everyone and be happy with who I am. BDD has affected me for too long now and I want to take the road to recovery. I don't want to feel ill and tired anymore, I want to stop crying and believe in myself. I just want to accept myself, even if what I have believed to be 'there' is there or not.
I know BBD sufferers will be able to relate to what I just said. Be kind to yourself because to be loved, you have to love yourself. In practice I know it's not that easy. Massive hugs xxx
BDDHELP, As mentioned in the book, Overcoming Body Image Problems including Body Dysmorphic Disorder, by Rob Willson, David Veale, and Alex Clarke. 