I am going to share my experience and hope, forgive me if I give advice or offend, as I'm quite passionate about my own recovery.

 

To start with I did not realize that gradually my Body Dysmorphic Disorder had changed me into someone that I didn't want to be. A person who was at odds with himself and his fellow man. I found it easier to stay in my room and look at, and pick at, the scars on my face, than to go outside the house with family or friends. One of the things I used to do was to keep looking at my scars in the mirror until they were out of focus as a result of my eyes getting tired. Looking from different angles and not wanting to blink, I was drawn to these things that I hated and that caused me distress. It felt as if the mirror would drag me towards it and scream ugly names at me. I skin picked and caused scars on my face, which later I had cut out unnecessarily with surgery, which caused larger and redder scars. I had on numerous occasions, painful steroid injections into the scar tissue to try to soften them. I had a few lazer surgeries to try to reduce the redness of the scars. Filed my own teeth down with a razor to try to make them even. Incessantly dreamt of nose surgery. Constantly thought my arm and leg hair was ugly and dirty and tried to cover them up.  I saw uneven ears, uneven nostrils, over developed muscles in one side of my forehead. Just to name a few. And that's not even going into the rituals and tricks that took up hours of my day. Suffice to say I was later diagnosed with BDD.

 

For many, many years I tried to keep people from knowing about my pain and thoughts. I isolated myself from people and social events, and lived in a prison of my own making. I never had intimate relationships for fear of rejection because of my defects. If I felt a potential person had lost interest in me, it had something to do with me, something to do with the way I looked. I castastrophized things in my head and was very negative towards myself. I would think that I did not deserve love. I would punish myself, saying that no one would love me, because I have these ugly, grotesque parts of my appearance. I tried to understand in my own way why they lost interest in me, going over every conversation and action or inaction on their part. I was trying to use my insight, not realizing that my insight was distorted. Later I came to realize that, unwillingly, I was using my insight to keep myself stuck.

 

My BDD had become a destructive force in my life. My best efforts resulted in ever greater destruction and despair. At some point, I realized that I needed the help of professionals.

 

With therapy I soon came to realize that holding on to these rituals, tricks, safety behaviors and obsessions would eventually sicken me and stop me from taking part in a new way of life. I was told that if I kept entertaining these obsessive thoughts, it would lead me to a worse state. I have learnt that if I let an obsessive thought surge, it maintains its own momentum. If I go along for the ride, in the thick of the flow, the thought fuels itself and it can boggle my mind and alter my mood. If we let our BDD thoughts direct us, it keeps us caged in old behaviors and old fears. The BDD struggles for self-preservation and it's our old, unhealthy ego the BDD is preserving.

 

Now this next part was an important one for me; how sincerely I worked each Cognitive Behavior Exposure exercise or I what I term a recovery step, it was proportionate to my desire for change.

 

For a long time, it did seem safer to embrace what I knew than to let go of it for the unknown. I feel many of us with BDD cling to our fears, doubts, self loathing or hatred because there is a certain security in our familiar pain.

 

I applied the view that some of my tricks to avoid looking bad were like an addict with drug dependency. I had to realiZe that it was the first drug, or for me the first ritual, that starts the deadly cycle all over again. Drug addicts tried to control their addictions, to use in moderation, or to use just certain drugs. None of these control methods work for addicts. I too, had to admit my powerlessness over my rituals. I could not substitute one ritual for another. I could not have the view that I could do my rituals in moderation. (A therapist gave an example that if you have an infected wound and you wipe 90% of the infection away, the infection spreads again) My therapist told me to ask myself in relation to any behaviors or new behaviors; if it is partly BDD related, like 20% BDD, and the rest an 80% normal appearance concern, then I had to stop doing it. Substituting one trick for another releases my compulsions all over again.

 

BDD is a great one for manipulating the truth. BDD is always a step ahead. I said to my therapist; "yes I need help, yes, I am willing to do whatever it takes to stop my rituals/tricks", but in the back of my mind I was like an addict, saying -"when I get my life together, I can handle drugs. Or when I get out of rehab, I can handle the occasional drug"; I was saying, "Yes I can stop my ritual for the time being, then when I'm in a relationship and the person is trusting and knows and accepts my BDD tricks, then I can start it again." Such ways of thinking and acting lead us back to what Narcotics Anonymous call 'active addiction'.

 

With that shock at being read so easily, I came to realise I had no choice except to completely change my old ways of thinking or go back to using rituals and not living. - From that point forward, I began to see that every ritual free day is a successful day, no matter what happens. Surrender means not having to fight anymore. We accept life the way it is. We become willing to do whatever is necessary to stay ritual free, even things we don't like doing.

 

I had to learn, and did learn, that I was growing when I made new mistakes instead of repeating old ones.

 

Rebellion against Cognitive Behavior Therapy and exposures can produce indifference or intolerance which can be overcome by persistent effort. But, rebellion and indifference when doing CBT will be costly, costly to your development and costly financially.

 

I came to know myself through therapy. I found myself growing into a mature consciousness. I began to feel better, as willingness grew into hope. Perhaps for the first time, I saw a vision of my new life. With this in sight, I put my willingness into action and that brought results.

 

I have come to realize that when someone points out a shortcoming in me, my first reaction doesn't have to be defensive. I have had to realize, and do realize through recovery, that it is ok to have some not so great things about you. In appearance or otherwise, it is ok! Some parts of you might be a work in progress, other parts, it is has to be lived with, but constantly thinking about changing a defect keeps the crazy thoughts going.

 

I examined my actions during the day. Writing them down helped. Writing how I felt and what part I might have played in any things which occurred that upset me or made me anxious. These actions can be a defense against the old insanity. I could ask myself if I was being drawn into old BDD patterns of fear. This way I could see if I was setting myself up for trouble.

 

But, my recovery from BDD involves much more than simple abstinence from BDD tricks. If we had problems in the past, it is unlikely that simple abstinence will solve our problems. The Recovery process has to be an active change in our ideas and attitudes like cutting down the cognitive distortions, e.g. castastrophising, mind reading, disqualifying the positive, arbitrary inference etc.

 

The ability to face problems is necessary to stop the pre-occupations. These pre-occupations are the core of our disorder. 

If we allow ourselves to plateau and cling to 'fatal' safety behaviors, we are giving into the symptoms of our disorder. Continually ask yourself, "Would I be doing this if I didn't have BDD?" And don't let if dictate what you do or don't do. I needed to learn new ways to live, to replace old BDD habits with new ways of living.

 

I have learnt from experience that a wave of peacefulness washes over me after I have successfully gone through the reduction or elimination of a ritual that was difficult to face. Of course, at first it was hard and anxiety provoking, but when I really kicked the trick, my internal fires died out. That which opposed me was less troubling, maybe even gone? I no longer feel the need to struggle today. Trusting that relief awaits me insures its arrival. "Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace" (Amelia Earhart)

 

I am starting to be spirit-filled and I get the feeling my greatest contributions will be discovered now that my BDD has taken a rest.

 

Our creativity awaits our discovery; we just have to release it from the clutches of our BDD.

 

Matt.