My name is Nicole and I am 20 years old. I was diagnosed with BDD a little over a year ago and spent the remaining time since then trying to learn about this disorder. When I was first told I had it, it made me feel relieved that there was a name for whatever was wrong with me, but I also felt sad because there was definitely something wrong with me. I remember when I was only nine years old, I thought about cutting off my nose because it was too big. I was already tired of the snide remarks from friends and even strangers about how big it was. When I was in junior high, my self-esteem was far below the average
teenager angst. I couldn't bear to look in a mirror or have my picture taken. On school picture days, I would come home bawling because I knew that my nose would be posted everywhere. I wore a windbreaker with long sleeves so I could use the sleeve to constantly cover up my face. It was strange but somehow made me feel better. By the time I was in high school, it wore down a little bit because I discovered my knack of humor. I made fun of myself before anyone else could get to me first. Deep inside the demon was ready to come bursting out. I suffered from anorexia for years as well as addiction to pain killers; two things that I am fighting to this day. After I was diagnosed with BDD as well as panic disorder, I was put on Zoloft which has its own little yellow way, saved my life. No it doesn't take away the thougts about my nose or body; no it doesn't give me hallucinations that I am a super model. It helps me think clearly and not dwell on the physical problems. I may not be a Cindy Crawford, or hell I would even settle for the freaky Christina Aguilera! I am me. I noticed that once I didn't openly always complain about the way I looked, I began to receive more positive vibes from people. I am still not ready to be photographed but hopefully with time and my therapy, I will make that giant step. I know that no matter how many times people can tell you that you're beautiful, you still won't believe it. What if you were absolutely the most gorgeous woman on the inside? Doesn't that matter too?
That's what I try to tell myself each and everyday when I have to face that dreaded mirror. It's sort of my mantra now.

Thanks Emma for the wonderful website
and sharing your story with so many people! You have my support.