For as long as I can remember I had self-esteem issues.  My first BDD attack was when I was 12 - when my mom moved away the last time my Grandparents sent me off to an all girls boarding school to get me out of my mother & stepfathers house, I was there until the age of 14.  Anyway, I saw a picture of a very thin blonde girl & something snapped, I got out my secret stash of extra strength Tylenol and locked myself into the bath room.  The bath room was a room with only a bathtub in it; the shower cubicles, toilets & sinks were in a different room all together.  I ran a nice hot bath and swallowed the whole bottle.  I woke up to having my stomach pumped; that was the first of several suicide attempts.  I was sent home for a week to "recover".  By the time I was in grade 9 I was in full self-hatred self mutilating mode.  I insisted I wouldn't go back to boarding school & told them if they tried to send me back I'd find a way to get expelled.  That year I was in two different public schools in different cities (as my parents moved in the middle of the school year) & in each one I fell in with a group of kids that weren't of the greatest mindset.  They did drugs, drank, pulled B-n-E's etc.  They showed me things such as "smiley faces" (you turn a lighter upside down until it's red hot & stick it on your arm - it creates a smiley face), cutting yourself & playing chicken with fire were among things they showed me, I bare many scars that I loath - but what's done is done.. Anyway, my mother & stepfather eventually kicked me out of the house because of my "attitude problem".  I ended up living with people that I would deem pretty "seedy" but I had no where else to go, my grandparents lived 3000 miles away & I had no other family to speak of other than my dad who was working in the camps up in the Yukon.  I never pulled any B-n-E's but to earn my keep I had to do equally if not worse things.  After another failed suicide attempt, my parents moved back to my original city & my grandparents gave them the money to enroll me into a local private school hoping that would turn me around.  I was there for my grade 10 year and absolutely refused to return the following year, again making my point by slashing my wrists to the point where you can still see where my final "stab" was.  I went to Sr. high in my area for my grade 11 & 12 school years; there I made many friends almost all of which were just as messed up as I was.  By this time I had stopped eating, surviving on an apple & 2 pieces of bread weekly along with lots of coffee, water & cigarettes.  I was working out excessively & doing any type of drug that I could get my hands on, smoked lots of pot, did lots of acid, mescaline, mushrooms, heroine on occasion (although it made me feel sick) and occasionally when we were feeling rich, cocaine.  With all my drug use I never once touched a needle - they absolutely petrify me, I think that's a big part of the reason I'm sitting here telling this story. The drugs took away the hunger pains as well as the emotional pains.  I graduated with a not so bad GPA considering I was in the mall across the road smoking, toeing & drinking coffee a majority of the time.  After graduation my parents moved & left me to my own devices.  Not long after that my dad shot himself & that sent me into a downward spiral.  I got in really deep with the coke, binging for days - no sleep, no food, crashing for days & then the cycle would begin again.  I managed to pull out before my teeth started rotting out of my head - and that's why I quit!!  I knew the coke was aging me & I didn't want that, I HATED that!  I looked like a shriveled up used piece of goods at the age of 21 - at the time I thought it was vanity that saved me.  I went back to school & have been in the same sort of business since then.  I met my husband when I was 24 and clean; things were definitely looking up for me.  I still hated myself & my appearance but I somehow managed to "put it on the back burner" - until January of 2006.  It was a month before my 30^th birthday & I snapped.  I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate at work, my marriage was suffering terribly & it was all because of my body & my hatred of it.

 

Throughout all those years I absolutely loathed myself - every thing about myself, especially my body.  Everything about it - from the shape to the length to the width, no matter how thin I got it was never good enough for me.  Even when I was at my worst and house-bound with my cocaine habit the hatred of my body never diminished.  If it wasn't in the front of my mind it was & still is in the back of it.  I constantly compared myself to others, I went though stages of not looking in mirrors to being mesmerized by them for hours, all shiny surfaces were up for securitization, anywhere  I could get a glimpse of myself I would.  Most of the time I would walk away feeling defeated, angry & sad, cause nothing would change. I was constantly trying to figure out ways I could get skinnier.  I was envious of every female that I saw because they were all prettier & skinnier than me.  I NEVER asked for reassurance from others because I was terrified of the answer (this is still something I absolutely WILL NOT do!).  If on the rare occasion I did go out I would wear the biggest, droopiest cloths & a hat so no one could see me, but at the same time I wouldn't leave the house without my makeup on.

 

Just before my birthday I went to one of my many "quests for perfection" appointments & the nutritionist asked if I had ever heard of BDD (because she asked how many inches I wanted to loose & I guess to her my answer seemed unreasonable).  That night I went home and started surfing - I was glued for hours - I was in tears for hours - I had no idea there were others out there like me.  I thought I was the most vain, selfish, narcissistic person ever, but reading the "what is BDD" and in particular the personal stories of other sufferers I knew I had found my answer!  I finally knew what was wrong with me & for me that was half the battle.  I had spent years in and out of therapy & was never properly diagnosed.  I made an appointment with my MD the next day and when I saw him told him the story & about my recent "breakdown".  He started me on medication & referred me to a psychiatrist who specializes in CBT.  It took several months of being on a waiting list, but I tell you - It was well worth the wait.  My psychiatrist has diagnosed me with BDD along with several other disorders but we're actually gaining on them, slowly but surely.  I still have my rituals & still compare & get envious but it is diminishing with catching myself "in the errors" and doing my best to correct them.  I can't think of a time when I have been truly happy - especially with my appearance.  The therapy is very hard work but I think in the end if I can at least feel truly happy with myself for just a few moments it will be well worth the effort.