My name is Yogi. I've been suffering from BDD for 3 years now though the signs began about 8 years ago when my self esteem plunged and I began avoiding locker rooms and swimming in school. I still can't swim, and I'm 19 now.
For me BDD and narcissism tended to alternate for the past few years, with months of overly high self esteem to be replaced by months of skipping school and become withdrawn. Last January however, BDD took over and hasn't let go since. I became completely homebound, my grades plunged and I ended up failing classes. I would be wearing a scarf wrapped around my entire face and gloves hiding my hands only to still find no peace. I've began smelling odor following me, as if it was the smell of my own, causing me stress and anxiety though fortunately that stressor has stopped.
My hands would paralyze while typing when I thought or looked at them, finger by finger becoming numb and pained almost as if a physical manifestation of the disability I saw in them aesthetically. I've tried CBT therapy and it temporarily seemed to have pulled me back out of my pit. I was social, outgoing and happy for a period, only to fall back down to be my reclusive "lifestyle" when my girl friend broke up with me. Now, again going to the corner store is like entering a combat zone, fearing enemy bullets which are the stares, comments and thoughts of people around me, just trying to make it back home, my safe fortress as fast as possible. Crying, hating me, loving and adoring the mirror are all a part of me. I wish I could go to school, have friends, see the light of sun and touch the trees in the parks, stare at seagulls flock above the lake and smell the fresh grass but that's something I can't do behind a window.
They're small things people take for granted and never really appreciate until they lose it. Once you have the smallest touch of nature, such as a bird by the window can mean the world to you. BDD is almost as a physical disability, you can't fight it, and it locks you in place even though I'd have the means to do whatever I wished to do if it wasn't for the disgust in what I see looking back at me. I truly believe I'm beyond hideous, however I do wish it was something I could learn to live with and begin a new life.
BDDHELP, As mentioned in the book, Overcoming Body Image Problems including Body Dysmorphic Disorder, by Rob Willson, David Veale, and Alex Clarke. 